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Gardening in High Heels

cultivate a beautiful life

January 16, 2017

Break the Imposter Chain

January 16, 2017

Does it ever feel like you’re afraid to make any noise out of fear someone will discover you and call you out for being a total and complete fraud? Like, imposter syndrome on steroids just jumps out and yells at you to go away? Not fun, especially when you know you’re good at what you do, you’re qualified to do what you do, you work hard to do what you do, and you just want to do what you do.

Yup. Been there. Still am there on occasion (sometimes Google Maps gets drunk and steers me there then leaves me for dead).

That’s when I like to refer to my list of magic spells (in Molly Mahar‘s words). It’s a road map you set up that says, “When I feel like this, I’ll do that instead.” It’s so handy to have this ahead of time so you can get yourself out of the woods faster and not rely on shitty cell reception and Google Maps to play nice again.

Here are a couple things you can add to your list of magic spells to get you on your way to feeling like a rockstar wonder woman again instead of wallowing around hoping Google Maps will re-route itself.

Focus on Something Further Away

Does anyone remember the movie “Dr. Dolittle” with Eddie Murphy? When I was a kid, my dad took me to see it and one of the scenes became a running joke for us. In it, Murphy is driving with a guinea pig, Rodney, who keeps saying “line” each time he sees a dashed line on the highway. It understandably is annoying, so Murphy yells at him to focus on something further away.

Whenever I get too caught up in the details of what’s going on and how I’ll be a complete business failure because I should be doing these big projects, but I’m not even keeping up with emails and group Pinterest boards, I know I need to focus on something further away.

Write down that big project, then break it down into smaller, more actionable steps. See, you’re focusing on something further away, but making a move to get it to happen. Then you can add deadlines and goal checkpoints. All because you focused on the abstract big picture further away.

Break the Pattern

Lots of times, you fall into a routine and conditioned thinking takes over. It could look something like:

  • Checks bank account
  • Sees a low number
  • Starts to freak out about financial security, paying bills, or the like
  • Falls down the well of thinking, “I’m always going to be struggling for money, who would pay me for what I do anyway, I really suck”
  • Doesn’t actually do any work for the rest of the day thanks to crushing doubt and fear that it will suck regardless

This could also look like checking an ex’s Facebook page and then thinking you’ll be alone forever, wanting to lose weight but constantly relying on takeout burgers and fries and then guilt tripping and comfort-eating an entire cake by yourself…anything where you just automatically fall into that behavior. That’s your If/Then, except in a bad way.

But when you notice the pattern ahead of time, you can identify and isolate the trigger. Then you can break it.

How do you break it? Physically get up and do something different. Paint your nails (you can’t properly enjoy a juicy burger with wet nails). Clean the bathroom. Organize your DVDs. Anything that occupies your mind for at least 15 minutes.

I learned this from Gretchen Rubin in Better Than Before. She says that any craving can be squashed if you distract yourself for 15 minutes. That’s it.

Similar to “focus on something further away,” when you notice you’re starting that one little dangerous thing, have a plan in place to break the pattern before it’s too late and you’re automatically in the bathtub drinking wine from the bottle. Forget what Fleetwood Mac says, we’re breaking the chain!

Go Outside

I know, it’s the dead of winter, but going outside if only for a minute is invigorating (albeit frost-bite inducing). A study by Stanford University found that walking has been proven to increase creativity by 60%. I don’t know about you, but I’m cool with being cold for a few minutes and be that much more confident and excited (and therefore focused and not thinking about the imposter feelings).

As Emily says on the Being Boss podcast, “Habits and routines allow you to do the work without thinking about the work.” So when you have a list of things to do, you focus on what you’re doing, not how you feel about what you’re doing. So get some fresh air and create a task list or work through a problem, then come back to your desk and do it instead of thinking about how you’d fail if you even tried.

How do you break yourself out of imposter thinking?

Imposter syndrome is the worst! Super smart ways to break the chain for yourself and "trick" yourself into getting your thinking and mental state back on track!

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4 Comments · Labels: Motivation Tagged: imposter syndrome, inspiration, motivation

October 14, 2016

Can you hear you?

October 14, 2016

“I wanted to make sure you could hear you.”

Colleen Donaghy, played by Elaine Stritch, spits out this line in the “Hiatus” episode of 30 Rock. Let me set the scene… She’s at dinner with Jack and his fiancee, Phoebe. Phoebe says that she wants to get married in the spring as the petunias start to bloom. Colleen asks what she said and Phoebe repeats herself. Again, Colleen says, “What?” and Phoebe turns to Jack and asks if she’s hard of hearing.

That’s when this line comes out: “No, no, no. I can hear you. I just wanted to make sure you could hear you.”

Brilliant. How many times do we speak without really hearing what we’re saying? We’ve all been there. We think what we say is the funniest, most intelligent, most supportive, most whatever thing we’ve ever said…and it’s hot garbage.

This is your reminder to listen more than you speak, ask questions, and make sure you can hear you.

Can you hear you? Awesome reminder to think more than you speak.

(And if you’re interested, here’s a Google search for the episode. Find a YouTube video that looks good and go to town.)

 

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1 Comment · Labels: Just a Thought Tagged: 30 rock, just a thought

September 9, 2016

Five things to be happy about

September 9, 2016

Many experts say that practicing gratitude is a sure-fire way to boost your happiness, highlight your abundance, and generally be a more positive person. When you’re a positive person, it’s easier to be happy. (And happy people don’t shoot their husbands.) It’s a circle, you see. Here are five things to be happy about — even if you aren’t particularly happy today.

Changing of the seasons

Even though I’m a hardXcore summer person and I’m not ready for fall (and subsequently winter), I love when the seasons change. It feels like a fresh start — and anything is possible. Clean slate, yo. It feels good.

Doing at least one thing a day that makes you feel good

Speaking of feeling good… call it self-care or a guilty pleasure, but doing something just because it makes you feel damn good is a great thing. Today, for me, that included cooking myself a good meal, cleaning the counters until they were shiny and not grimy anymore, and treating myself to a glass of wine at a cool bar while I write this. (Spoiler alert: I wrote and scheduled this baby ahead of time.)

Child-like obsession for anything

Anyone who knows me knows I am not a kid person. I am pretty much the un-kidliest person around. But damn if their happiness isn’t infectious. Now, I’m not saying be a creeper at a park or a daycare. But you can harness that happiness.

Have you ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun? Remember when Katherine is drunk and she says, “Never lose your childish enthusiasm”? Kids are all in for whatever occupies their mind at the moment. And they don’t let it go until they get it or figure it out.

Find something akin to that wonder in a child’s eyes, something that is endlessly fascinating to you. Even if it’s just a small tickle deep down. Hold on to that and keep coming back to it. It gets easier to find the more you do it. Learning and growing, or even just laughing, is a wonderful part of the human condition.

Target

Okay, this is kind of a fluffy, give-away point. But Target it the shit. I don’t think I’ve ever walked out of Target unhappy in my grumble-grumble years of going to Target. What is your Target? In other words, what is your “happy place”? That is my point here. Find your happy place and go there often. Be grateful for it.

The fact that you are reading this

You have your eyesight, an internet or cellular connection (and the ability to pay for said connection), and breath to breathe to make it all happen. Trust me, I’m not a “just be thankful you’re alive” kind of person. But I mean…it is something to be grateful for. You woke up today, hopefully in a bed. Or in someone you love’s bed. Or on their couch. Or anywhere that affords eyesight and an internet connection. And you have the ability to choose what you want to read/do/consume.

And really, if things were that bad, reading this post would be the least of your concerns. #perspective

What are you happy for today?

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Leave a Comment · Labels: Five Things Tagged: five things, happiness, how to, inspiration, motivation

July 25, 2016

New Mantra: Be The Fluff

July 25, 2016

A few months ago, I had a quarter life crisis conversation. I was on the phone with my mom (yes, more stories about conversations with my mom. What can I say, she’s very wise) and I was whining about my job. I was all salty because I was going to be 26 and at the time, I worked at an entry level position.

It definitely wasn’t where I thought I’d be at 26.

So there I am, getting all frustrated and angry and I said to her, “What the hell have I been doing wrong for these past four years since I graduated?? I have two (very expensive) pieces of paper that are doing me absolutely no good! I’m basically in the same job I was in when I graduated, except now I have benefits. What happened to this alumni network that supposedly could get me into my dream position anywhere I wanted?”

Granted, I know it isn’t that easy, but I had had a bad day and I was feeling overworked and way undervalued. And like I should be a few levels up by that point.

“You haven’t learned to be the fluff,” she said to me. “Learn to be the fluff.”

Okay…. “The fluff. What’s the fluff?”

Here's your new mantra: Be the fluff! Love it! Great reminder to enjoy life, have fun, and relax a little.

You know that classic scene: three people are standing around watching the fourth person do all the hard work?

The “fluff” are the three people who stand around and smile and are talkative and chipper and happy because they aren’t the ones banging their heads against the wall trying to get everything done. They’re watching the other person run around and hold everything together.

Basically the fluff is the fun person to be around. It’s the foam in the latte.

Everyone likes the foam; that’s the best part of a latte, but everyone knows they aren’t drinking the latte for the foam, they’re really drinking the latte for the caffeine. That’s my problem. I’m the caffeine, not the foam.

Now, I’m not saying to chuck your work ethic out the door. I’m saying learn to be the fun part. Shake that chip off your shoulder. It probably wants to be with guacamole anyway (no offense).

In other words… Create space to let happiness and joy radiate from you. Marvel at the infinite possibilities of the universe. Never lose your childish sense of wonder. Other inspirational cliches here.

In other words: chill for a hot minute.

I know, I know. I can say this, but am I actually doing it? I’m not qualified to be a therapist and I’m sure as hell not a motivational speaker, but I am qualified to write words and string them into a fairly convincing sentence (that’s what one of the very expensive pieces of paper says anyway). And that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t do anything unless I actually live it.

Well, that was a few months ago and I still haven’t embraced the fluff persona. I’m still the caffeine, probably because I drink enough of it, my body is actually mostly coffee instead of water. But I’m trying.

I could sit at my computer and agonize over the clients I don’t have, the money I need, the work I should be completing. But that’s not doing any good. Instead, I’m trying to be the fluff. If I feel like going for a run at 3 in the afternoon just to get away from my desk, I do. Emails can wait. That post won’t get written any better if I force it out in a creative slump. As long as the work gets done, I’m choosing to do it the way I want to do it.

Maybe you don’t have that luxury. That’s okay. Just do something today that feels “fluffy” to you. What could that be?

  • Eating dinner in the living room in front of the TV instead of at the dining room table. Sometimes it feels good to do that, even though it isn’t the best practice for you.
  • Going for a walk at lunch instead of answering emails. Like I said, they can wait.
  • Having a latte instead of your normal house cup. Treat yo’self to some literal fluff.

Basically anything that feels like you’re giving yourself a little break.

When life gets you so stressed out t0 the point where your shoulders are up around your ears and you’re ready to snap, just remember your new mantra: be the fluff.

How are you going to be the fluff today?

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4 Comments · Labels: Motivation Tagged: how to enjoy life, mantra, monday musings, motivation

July 18, 2016

Patience. Or: How to be Patient

July 18, 2016

“Angelica, patience is not our virtue,” is something I heard a lot when I was growing up. I was always told I’m not a patient person, so I believed that story: You aren’t patient. You have to work at being patient. It’s a mantra I got from my mom.

Trust me, there are tons of times when I see lack of patience showing through. Goals for me are big-time patience-killers. I want something right now when I decide to put my mind to it. Not that I don’t work hard for what I have or expect things to be handed to me. I expect immediate, visible change. Exercise is where it really shows up for me. I ran 5 miles today, why don’t I have awesome legs and killer abs??

Remember my body image issues?

So there’s something I’ve been wondering a lot recently. When does patience turn into passivity? At what point point do you just let people walk all over you at their own pace in the name of “patience”?

When does patience turn into passivity? At what point point do you just let people walk all over you at their own pace in the name of "patience"? The answer is boundaries!

I fancy myself the strong, silent type who doesn’t make waves but still speak up for herself when necessary. A quiet leader who doesn’t need fanfare. But in reality, I’m not living that image of myself. I let things happen to me, especially when I think that presenting a strong opposing stance (in my best interest) will change the other person’s perception of me as the “nice girl.”

Something I admire greatly about my best friend is that she decides what she wants and makes the decision for herself to get it, do it, be it. She will think about others, sure, but her ultimate decision is in the best interest for what she wants to accomplish in her life. She doesn’t wait for the right time, or let someone dictate the terms of her life. She’s another person who wants that immediate result, so she makes it happen.

It goes back to boundaries, like I wrote about last week. Boundaries are tricky but a solid indicator of what you will and won’t stand for. It’s your guiding light.

Man I love when shit ties together like this.

When do you think patience turns into passivity?

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Leave a Comment · Labels: Good Question Tagged: monday musings, motivation, patience

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Who’s Angelica?

Life Un-styled Blogger, Gardener, Shoe Lover..among other things

I'm here to encourage and empower you to grow where you're planted and embrace the weeds that sometimes pop up. I'll share inspiration, products I like (and you may too), and stories from the garden.

Gardening In High Heels is for badass babes who aren’t afraid to get a little messy. Want to learn more? Start here.
           

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