Gardening in High Heels

cultivate a beautiful life

New Mantra: Be The Fluff

A few months ago, I had a quarter life crisis conversation. I was on the phone with my mom (yes, more stories about conversations with my mom. What can I say, she’s very wise) and I was whining about my job. I was all salty because I was going to be 26 and at the time, I worked at an entry level position.

It definitely wasn’t where I thought I’d be at 26.

So there I am, getting all frustrated and angry and I said to her, “What the hell have I been doing wrong for these past four years since I graduated?? I have two (very expensive) pieces of paper that are doing me absolutely no good! I’m basically in the same job I was in when I graduated, except now I have benefits. What happened to this alumni network that supposedly could get me into my dream position anywhere I wanted?”

Granted, I know it isn’t that easy, but I had had a bad day and I was feeling overworked and way undervalued. And like I should be a few levels up by that point.

“You haven’t learned to be the fluff,” she said to me. “Learn to be the fluff.”

Okay…. “The fluff. What’s the fluff?”

Here's your new mantra: Be the fluff! Love it! Great reminder to enjoy life, have fun, and relax a little.

You know that classic scene: three people are standing around watching the fourth person do all the hard work?

The “fluff” are the three people who stand around and smile and are talkative and chipper and happy because they aren’t the ones banging their heads against the wall trying to get everything done. They’re watching the other person run around and hold everything together.

Basically the fluff is the fun person to be around. It’s the foam in the latte.

Everyone likes the foam; that’s the best part of a latte, but everyone knows they aren’t drinking the latte for the foam, they’re really drinking the latte for the caffeine. That’s my problem. I’m the caffeine, not the foam.

Now, I’m not saying to chuck your work ethic out the door. I’m saying learn to be the fun part. Shake that chip off your shoulder. It probably wants to be with guacamole anyway (no offense).

In other words… Create space to let happiness and joy radiate from you. Marvel at the infinite possibilities of the universe. Never lose your childish sense of wonder. Other inspirational cliches here.

In other words: chill for a hot minute.

I know, I know. I can say this, but am I actually doing it? I’m not qualified to be a therapist and I’m sure as hell not a motivational speaker, but I am qualified to write words and string them into a fairly convincing sentence (that’s what one of the very expensive pieces of paper says anyway). And that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t do anything unless I actually live it.

Well, that was a few months ago and I still haven’t embraced the fluff persona. I’m still the caffeine, probably because I drink enough of it, my body is actually mostly coffee instead of water. But I’m trying.

I could sit at my computer and agonize over the clients I don’t have, the money I need, the work I should be completing. But that’s not doing any good. Instead, I’m trying to be the fluff. If I feel like going for a run at 3 in the afternoon just to get away from my desk, I do. Emails can wait. That post won’t get written any better if I force it out in a creative slump. As long as the work gets done, I’m choosing to do it the way I want to do it.

Maybe you don’t have that luxury. That’s okay. Just do something today that feels “fluffy” to you. What could that be?

  • Eating dinner in the living room in front of the TV instead of at the dining room table. Sometimes it feels good to do that, even though it isn’t the best practice for you.
  • Going for a walk at lunch instead of answering emails. Like I said, they can wait.
  • Having a latte instead of your normal house cup. Treat yo’self to some literal fluff.

Basically anything that feels like you’re giving yourself a little break.

When life gets you so stressed out t0 the point where your shoulders are up around your ears and you’re ready to snap, just remember your new mantra: be the fluff.

How are you going to be the fluff today?

Patience. Or: How to be Patient

“Angelica, patience is not our virtue,” is something I heard a lot when I was growing up. I was always told I’m not a patient person, so I believed that story: You aren’t patient. You have to work at being patient. It’s a mantra I got from my mom.

Trust me, there are tons of times when I see lack of patience showing through. Goals for me are big-time patience-killers. I want something right now when I decide to put my mind to it. Not that I don’t work hard for what I have or expect things to be handed to me. I expect immediate, visible change. Exercise is where it really shows up for me. I ran 5 miles today, why don’t I have awesome legs and killer abs??

Remember my body image issues?

So there’s something I’ve been wondering a lot recently. When does patience turn into passivity? At what point point do you just let people walk all over you at their own pace in the name of “patience”?

When does patience turn into passivity? At what point point do you just let people walk all over you at their own pace in the name of "patience"? The answer is boundaries!

I fancy myself the strong, silent type who doesn’t make waves but still speak up for herself when necessary. A quiet leader who doesn’t need fanfare. But in reality, I’m not living that image of myself. I let things happen to me, especially when I think that presenting a strong opposing stance (in my best interest) will change the other person’s perception of me as the “nice girl.”

Something I admire greatly about my best friend is that she decides what she wants and makes the decision for herself to get it, do it, be it. She will think about others, sure, but her ultimate decision is in the best interest for what she wants to accomplish in her life. She doesn’t wait for the right time, or let someone dictate the terms of her life. She’s another person who wants that immediate result, so she makes it happen.

It goes back to boundaries, like I wrote about last week. Boundaries are tricky but a solid indicator of what you will and won’t stand for. It’s your guiding light.

Man I love when shit ties together like this.

When do you think patience turns into passivity?

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Need Boundaries? Ask Yourself This.

This week on Sunday Lately, I wrote a bit about boundaries and how they felt limiting. I’ve always thought that having boundaries meant you said no a lot. And in a sense, that’s true, but so much more goes into it than just saying No.

Oooh, I can hear you now… “Angelica, how much more?” I’m glad you asked! Why? Because I have struggled with setting boundaries (I have an aversion to the word no) and just a little mindset shift has been helpful for me so maybe it’ll be helpful for you, too.

Setting boundaries doesn't have to be a hard and fast yes or no. It's all about honoring your intentions and asking yourself one simple question. So helpful to look at it this way!

First, a little backstory.

I used to think that boundaries were constricting and that it meant choosing myself over everyone else in a greedy way. When presented with the option, I always picked everyone else over myself. It’s just how I am. I’m a people-pleaser. And it got to the point of resentment. I’d feel resentful for doing things for others. That’s not cool, man. I wanted to help.

It goes hand in hand with not asking for help. I see asking for help as a sign of personal weakness, that I’m admitting defeat and saying that I can’t handle it, which is another conversation straight from Daring Greatly by Brene Brown for another day.

What were we talking about? Right, boundaries. I’ve noticed that I’m most resistant to things that I know will take a lot of work but will also help me the most.

Setting boundaries in and of itself felt constricting, like I always had to say When presented with Situation Y, I must always answer with Z. And I didn’t like that. As much as I like plans and order, I want to have the ability to change my answer. But you can’t do that when you think boundaries mean always answering the same way (no) to certain requests.

See my conundrum now?

My question up until recently was: how do you hold yourself to (seemingly inflexible) boundaries while wanting to be able to change your mind?

It isn’t about asking What would make me happy? which, I mean, is a valid question, but that’s so vague and takes a lot more work to get to the heart of why you’re saying yes or no.

Instead, ask yourself: what will make me feel comfortable saying yes to this request? Repeat that with me, chickadess. What will make me feel comfortable saying yes to this request?

Kinda like saying yes to the dress. But not. Because this isn’t a dress. Anyway.

Re-framing how you look at boundaries as This is how I want people to treat me feels better. It’s not no, it’s I’d appreciate your understanding that I cannot do that right now, but I can help you this way. You’re still saying no to the request (really, still saying yes) but doing so in a way that feels more comfortable.

And of course, that also means that you get to say yes to other things, too. Like projects you want to do or collaborations that really excite you.

It’s all about honoring your intentions and your values. What do you prioritize? What will make you feel in control? What will make you feel like yourself?

As a recovering people-pleaser, I’m always trying to figure out how to value others’ requests while still making myself feel free and giving of help.

To get a little woo-woo here, setting boundaries teaches the Universe what you truly prioritize, too, and lets it know what opportunities to send your way way. For example: if the Universe knows I’ll say yes to anything, it’ll throw anything my way. If it knows I only want to be open to work on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings, it’ll send quality opportunities to me on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. Cool, right?

To recap: life with boundaries looks like more intention, more flow, more flexibility. Life without boundaries looks like resentment, restriction (ironically) and constriction. Oh, and constantly feeling like you need to please everyone before you can start on yourself. Life without boundaries seems kinda like the loser here, no?

Where do you feel like you need to have a few more boundaries but are stuck putting them in place? Let me know if this trick worked for you!

Would you change?

There’s this site that has 36 questions and it’ll apparently make you fall in love with anyone. I kept it bookmarked in my inbox because I knew some day, I would be stuck for a topic, but I didn’t read any of the questions yet. I went through them and stopped at 19 (though all of them are thought-provoking) this one hit me, hard:

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

I would laugh louder, dream bigger, adventure harder, relax faithfully, meditate purposefully…basically everything we are encouraged to do to live a full life right now.

It’s so easy to say, “Oh, I have my whole life to do that, it can wait.” Or maybe you’re thinking, “I have my whole life, I don’t want to screw up my relationships, finances, others’ opinions of me, etc,” so you don’t do anything at all and just use the insanity definition of “I won’t change anything but maybe the outcome will be different.”

The interesting thing about this question is the deadline. One year. That puts some immediacy on it. And forces you to look at what’s really important to you. Think about the things that you’d change if you only had a year. Those are the responses that are important to you.

Personally, I would speak my truth more, try to erase uncertainty in my choices, re-learn how to play guitar, make something big (like a quilt), meditate by a river preferably with a waterfall that I could jump off of, cultivate deep passion, travel around to meet you lovely lady readers of mine, take lots of pictures and actually print them out.

Some things are project goals that I can check  off, others are maintenance goals that have to be worked at each day.

What would you change if you only had a year? Interesting read about standing up for what you believe in and changing hard habits.

I know there would be some people that would run away and hide or who would make all the necessary preparations (which is much more likely what I’d do) so your friends and family are set up.

I’d really like to think that I’d be brave enough to find my voice and my feet and make some kind of impact, even if it’s something small. There’s 365 days to do something, anything.

So if you only had a year, would you change anything?

PS: need some ideas to get your change started? Molly Mahar has eight ways to improve your quality of life (super simple things) and I have a list of people I like to get inspiration from when I’m stuck here.

Rebelling

I am rebelling today. I just want to write and publish something. I don’t want to have a perfect picture or a meta description or even a strong, compelling title.

So I’m just gonna write and hit publish and damnit, that’s that. I may come back and edit it. I may just let this sit here until I convert this blog into something else. Who’s to say.

I used to love blogging for it’s simple way to have a record of what I was thinking that I could update anywhere. I didn’t need a journal or my special pens, I just needed something connected to WordPress. Now, it’s more of a chore. You need to make sure you have keyword-rich posts, beautiful images with alt tags, meta descriptions, and suck the joy out of putting fingers to keys.

So. After my great body realization yesterday, I came to a great mental realization:

I’m stuck in a “should” loop. You know, when you say, “I should do x, y, and z…” and the inevitable “buuuut….” creeps in.

I should be making client calls but…………..

I should be writing a blog post but…………..

I should weed the flower beds but…………..

I should…………..ad naseum.

I don’t know about you, but I should be am getting really sick of that nonsense. Why do we do this to ourselves? Where is the line where you say, “Clearly this isn’t a priority for me. Instead of feeling bad about it, let me drop it off my list”?

For me, the but………. phase takes over. Instead of making a plan and sticking to it for the day, I get apathetic and don’t want to do anything. So I know there’s adulting to be done, but I don’t want to have anything to do with it.

Does it happen to you, too? How do you shake the shoulds off?

PS: Looking for some other musings about “shoulding” on yourself? Check out this and this.

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