Gardening in High Heels

cultivate a beautiful life

An honest talk about what’s real

After two days of Rory-Gilmore-after-drinking-Miss-Patty’s-Founders’-Day-punch-white-girl-on-the-bathroom-floor levels of crying, I can safely say that something is deeply wrong. Just writing that sentence is getting me going again. I’ve been lying. I say that I’m here to help empower women with my own stories of prevailing and standing in my strength. But clearly I’m not doing that. I haven’t been sharing what’s real, so how does that help someone else going through it, too?

I can’t write a blog about growth and empowerment because I feel like a total fraud anytime I sit down to write. I’m NOT growing and being empowered right now, so what gives me the right to write about it? That explains why there really hasn’t been much coming from me lately aside from Instagrams.

I feel horrible about myself because I don’t want to work until 2am on my business, wake up at 6am, and start over. I don’t have people knocking down my door to work with me. I’m not out cutting all the business deals. I’m not recognized. And I freakin’ HATE when people say “Just find what you’re passionate about and it’ll fall into place.” WTF does that even mean?? The second that a light bulb goes off, everything will just land in my lap and it’ll suddenly be easy? I don’t think so.

This is a long-winded way to tell you that I want to burn everything down and start again. I can’t connect with the bigger picture right now. Normally when this happens, I cut my hair, change domain names, and have this big comeback celebration only to realize my problems followed me and the wind gets kicked out of my sails once more. I’ve even started to wipe off some old posts that don’t really belong here anymore, though it’s fun to see the evolution.

I’m stuck in a HUGE comparison trap loop, yet I fall into it once every 5 weeks or so. I guess it’s good that I know that it’s happening and try to pull myself out of it?

My dear friend, Marissa, always has insightful wisdom for when this happens. It’s never too late to course-correct to get back on track. Recognizing that life does suck, things aren’t always perfectly perfect, and being honest about it is my super-power…#becauseimkeepingitreal.

So here’s to recognizing that downward cycles happen. And that things feel sucky. And I don’t have wisdom for anyone who’s going through it with me, just comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone in feeling that way. Sometimes that’s the only thing we can offer each other. I’d be happy to lend an ear (well, a set of eyes) if you have anything you want to share. Just writing about what’s wrong can help get to what’s right again.

An Honest Talk About What's Real Right Now

  • Oh Angelica, I feel for you. I really do. I’ve been there so many times…and I’ll be back again. Working for yourself isn’t going to help this, I’m afraid to tell you. We’ve unfortunately chosen this artist’s path. The one where the highs are INCREDIBLY high, but the lows are equally as low. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. But a thrill ride, for sure.

    You’ll pull through. You’re strong, smart, witty, and just the right level of pain-in-the-ass. Nothing falls into our laps. We are the kind of people who will always have to work really hard…but in doing so, we know that our work is actually ours. And we can own every single f-ing second of it. Even the shitty parts.

    Chin up, buttercup. You’re doing just great.

    • Thank you so much for your words and support, ladybug! I definitely noticed these problems creeping in most intensely during this transition. The “feeler” lifestyle is definitely one of intensity – both good and bad.

      I love “just the right level of pain-in-the-ass.” That’s it perfectly! You and me, we’re not going anywhere.

      So much love to you for everything. xo

  • Hugs to you. I was just talking to a good friend about being in a funk and trying to push through. My dad calls them the peaks and valleys. Hang in there!

    • Thank you so much! It seems to be going around. I hope your friend is coming out of it safely. I like “peaks and valleys”! That’s a good descriptor! xo

  • We all have our ups and downs, as Lacey said… for me it feels like a vicious cycle. Sometimes the things I have to do to get out of a funk are the same things I feel the least like doing because I’m in a funk, if that makes sense. In funk times, I tend to sleep a LOT and it seems to help, and make lists and check things off to feel accomplished, even if those lists include things like “Wash my hair.”

    • YES that so makes sense. I have been sleeping a lot. And since I’m working for myself now, I really don’t have a set wake up time, so I’ve been really milking it. I like to create things when I feel like I need to do something or bake because then I feel like I’ve accomplished something and then I have delicious treats, too.

  • I’m sorry you’re in the slumps, it’s hard, very, very hard. I also hate when people say “things will fall into place”, I had a rough time moving to Texas and adjusting to life down here being so much different than the North. If I wouldn’t have had such a great support network of friends I probably would still be super depressed, and I’m also lucky that my friends were always thinking of me and suggesting jobs to me, or telling their own friends about me, which is how I found my current job. Now I’m in such a better place, I’m friends with the my co-worker, I’m doing graphic design, I have a flexible schedule and while I still find myself comparing myself to others now and again, I’ve tried to step back and remember that I’m doing well and that I’m happy, and that’s what matters. I hope you find yourself out of the slumps soon!

    • I’m so glad to hear that your move funk was helped out by your network. And that you love your job and you’re swinging up. That’s awesome! Thanks so much for the love. I feel it turning around a little 🙂

Let’s Play

           

People Really Dug These

We Belong in the Garden Together