After two days of Rory-Gilmore-after-drinking-Miss-Patty’s-Founders’-Day-punch-white-girl-on-the-bathroom-floor levels of crying, I can safely say that something is deeply wrong. Just writing that sentence is getting me going again. I’ve been lying. I say that I’m here to help empower women with my own stories of prevailing and standing in my strength. But clearly I’m not doing that. I haven’t been sharing what’s real, so how does that help someone else going through it, too?
I can’t write a blog about growth and empowerment because I feel like a total fraud anytime I sit down to write. I’m NOT growing and being empowered right now, so what gives me the right to write about it? That explains why there really hasn’t been much coming from me lately aside from Instagrams.
I feel horrible about myself because I don’t want to work until 2am on my business, wake up at 6am, and start over. I don’t have people knocking down my door to work with me. I’m not out cutting all the business deals. I’m not recognized. And I freakin’ HATE when people say “Just find what you’re passionate about and it’ll fall into place.” WTF does that even mean?? The second that a light bulb goes off, everything will just land in my lap and it’ll suddenly be easy? I don’t think so.
This is a long-winded way to tell you that I want to burn everything down and start again. I can’t connect with the bigger picture right now. Normally when this happens, I cut my hair, change domain names, and have this big comeback celebration only to realize my problems followed me and the wind gets kicked out of my sails once more. I’ve even started to wipe off some old posts that don’t really belong here anymore, though it’s fun to see the evolution.
I’m stuck in a HUGE comparison trap loop, yet I fall into it once every 5 weeks or so. I guess it’s good that I know that it’s happening and try to pull myself out of it?
My dear friend, Marissa, always has insightful wisdom for when this happens. It’s never too late to course-correct to get back on track. Recognizing that life does suck, things aren’t always perfectly perfect, and being honest about it is my super-power…#becauseimkeepingitreal.
So here’s to recognizing that downward cycles happen. And that things feel sucky. And I don’t have wisdom for anyone who’s going through it with me, just comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone in feeling that way. Sometimes that’s the only thing we can offer each other. I’d be happy to lend an ear (well, a set of eyes) if you have anything you want to share. Just writing about what’s wrong can help get to what’s right again.