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Gardening in High Heels

cultivate a beautiful life

July 11, 2016

Need Boundaries? Ask Yourself This.

July 11, 2016

This week on Sunday Lately, I wrote a bit about boundaries and how they felt limiting. I’ve always thought that having boundaries meant you said no a lot. And in a sense, that’s true, but so much more goes into it than just saying No.

Oooh, I can hear you now… “Angelica, how much more?” I’m glad you asked! Why? Because I have struggled with setting boundaries (I have an aversion to the word no) and just a little mindset shift has been helpful for me so maybe it’ll be helpful for you, too.

Setting boundaries doesn't have to be a hard and fast yes or no. It's all about honoring your intentions and asking yourself one simple question. So helpful to look at it this way!

First, a little backstory.

I used to think that boundaries were constricting and that it meant choosing myself over everyone else in a greedy way. When presented with the option, I always picked everyone else over myself. It’s just how I am. I’m a people-pleaser. And it got to the point of resentment. I’d feel resentful for doing things for others. That’s not cool, man. I wanted to help.

It goes hand in hand with not asking for help. I see asking for help as a sign of personal weakness, that I’m admitting defeat and saying that I can’t handle it, which is another conversation straight from Daring Greatly by Brene Brown for another day.

What were we talking about? Right, boundaries. I’ve noticed that I’m most resistant to things that I know will take a lot of work but will also help me the most.

Setting boundaries in and of itself felt constricting, like I always had to say When presented with Situation Y, I must always answer with Z. And I didn’t like that. As much as I like plans and order, I want to have the ability to change my answer. But you can’t do that when you think boundaries mean always answering the same way (no) to certain requests.

See my conundrum now?

My question up until recently was: how do you hold yourself to (seemingly inflexible) boundaries while wanting to be able to change your mind?

It isn’t about asking What would make me happy? which, I mean, is a valid question, but that’s so vague and takes a lot more work to get to the heart of why you’re saying yes or no.

Instead, ask yourself: what will make me feel comfortable saying yes to this request? Repeat that with me, chickadess. What will make me feel comfortable saying yes to this request?

Kinda like saying yes to the dress. But not. Because this isn’t a dress. Anyway.

Re-framing how you look at boundaries as This is how I want people to treat me feels better. It’s not no, it’s I’d appreciate your understanding that I cannot do that right now, but I can help you this way. You’re still saying no to the request (really, still saying yes) but doing so in a way that feels more comfortable.

And of course, that also means that you get to say yes to other things, too. Like projects you want to do or collaborations that really excite you.

It’s all about honoring your intentions and your values. What do you prioritize? What will make you feel in control? What will make you feel like yourself?

As a recovering people-pleaser, I’m always trying to figure out how to value others’ requests while still making myself feel free and giving of help.

To get a little woo-woo here, setting boundaries teaches the Universe what you truly prioritize, too, and lets it know what opportunities to send your way way. For example: if the Universe knows I’ll say yes to anything, it’ll throw anything my way. If it knows I only want to be open to work on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings, it’ll send quality opportunities to me on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. Cool, right?

To recap: life with boundaries looks like more intention, more flow, more flexibility. Life without boundaries looks like resentment, restriction (ironically) and constriction. Oh, and constantly feeling like you need to please everyone before you can start on yourself. Life without boundaries seems kinda like the loser here, no?

Where do you feel like you need to have a few more boundaries but are stuck putting them in place? Let me know if this trick worked for you!

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Leave a Comment · Labels: Motivation Tagged: boundaries, focused intention, monday musings, say yes, self-love, set the intention

June 17, 2015

Proud times (plus a giveaway!)

June 17, 2015

Like I mentioned yesterday, it’s been one year since I purchased the domain GardeningInHighHeels.com.  It’s taken me a while to get this space going and a while for me to get where I want it to be, but I’m thrilled with it and how it’s turned out.

To say it’s one of the things I’m most proud about…well, I guess that would be accurate.  I don’t have a baby or a pet or some star-studded lifestyle, so I don’t feel bad saying that a blog is a big accomplishment.

It’s still a work in progress and I want to take it in different directions, but I’m pretty proud right now.

Last night, I was doing an exercise where I wrote down the things I loved about myself (step one in Molly Mahar’s The Joy Equation is to practice fierce self-love).

There are many things I’m proud of, like my get shit done attitude and my writing abilities.  I wrote a lot of good qualities about myself if I do say so myself, but not one of them included, “my adventurous spirit.”

Probably because I don’t think of myself as very adventurous.  I’m more of the stay grounded and work hard type.  In my mind, spur-of-the-moment and grounded are mutually exclusive.

Sure, I can be fun and adventurous, but in small doses.  Baby steps.  I would love to work up big, adventuresome muscles.  I guess it takes practice, just like anything else.

If you’re like me and need a little kick in the pants to be proud of the adventures you take in life, maybe this giveaway will help get you there.

And if you already are an adventurer, you’ll definitely want to check out this giveaway.

Some of your favorite bloggers and I are teaming up to give you the chance to win a $300 Delta Airlines gift card!  Talk about motivation to flex those muscles.  Enter using the Rafflecopter below and then fly by these fantastic bloggers to say thanks for this opportunity!

deltagiveaway

Brought to you by:

Life Could Be a Dream // A Prioritized Marriage // Life With Grace // A Beautiful Exchange
Hey Kerri // The Lady Lawyer // Gardening in High Heels // Boone & Owl
Aubrey Zaruba // Miss in the Midwest // Life in the Lost and Found Bin // Making Mrs. M
Becoming Adorrable // Wetherills Say I Do // T.O. & fro // Gold & Bloom
Two Places at Once // Twin Stripe

The giveaway will run from 12:00 am EST on June 17th until 11:59 pm EST on June 22nd.  The winner will be contacted by email and will have 48 hours to respond and claim their prize before a new winner will be selected.  Entries will be verified, so please be honest.  This giveaway is open to U.S. residents only.  Sorry, international friends!  Good luck!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Where would you jet off to if you won?  And what are you most proud of?

Be a Better Blogger is a weekly link up dedicated to helping you be a more intentional blogger. Want to be a better blogger but don’t know where to start? Head over to the Be a Better Blogger page for daily prompts and a weekly linkup to help get the creative juices flowing! Oh, and use #beabetterblogger on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook to keep the fun going even after you hit Publish!

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5 Comments · Labels: Giveaway, Motivation Tagged: be a better blogger, giveaway, inspiration, pride, proud, self-love

Who’s Angelica?

Life Un-styled Blogger, Gardener, Shoe Lover..among other things

I'm here to encourage and empower you to grow where you're planted and embrace the weeds that sometimes pop up. I'll share inspiration, products I like (and you may too), and stories from the garden.

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