Gardening in High Heels

cultivate a beautiful life

Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit?

Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit? And no, not asking for a friend. Asking for myself, straight up, no twist. I’ve given too much power to junk if you ask me. There are external and environmental and psychological factors that go into it. I mean, that’s just natural. But when I really think about it, I could have done something (even if it’s a small something, just something) to make a move. Instead, I chose to remain stuck by my own personal brand of bullshit. And I’m tired of sitting in my own crap, y’know what I’m saying?

In other words, I’m tired of getting in my own way.

If you feel it, too, this post is for you. (And all you *NSYNC fans.)

Sidebar: I legitimately had to Google and eventually look on iTunes to find the correct apostrophe placement for *NSYNC. And then learn that it’s an asterisk, not an apostrophe. When they were popular, I was unapologetically into country music to the detriment of many sleepover singalongs. I had to learn to love them later in life. Just to give you a frame of reference. In case you were wondering. I’m sure you were.

As I was saying…

Sometimes you just have to get tired enough of your own crap to decide it's time to make a change. When do you know it's time? Here are some tools that can help.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about mindset shifts. I even wrote a bit about it on my official website and business-y blog. The power you hold in your mind is incredible. You can will the Universe to do anything you want it to. I mean, I’m sure there are exceptions, but you can actually make things happen using the power of your mind. The most recent book I read to illustrate this is E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality by Pam Grout.

In this book, Grout outlines 9 experiments you can do that take about 48 hours each to complete in order to hone your energetic powers and align them with your desires and the world around you.

At first blush, this sounds too good to be true. As I was reading it, I was conjuring up the scene in Sex and the City where Charlotte takes Carrie to a seminar run by Dr. Cheryl Grayson whose belief in written affirmations were turning around Charlotte’s negative thoughts. A greeter asks the women if they’d like to take a written affirmation. They both oblige, but Charlotte is way more into it than Carrie. Carrie’s “affirmation” is, “I believe this is hooey.”

via GIPHY

Another sidebar: Yes, I know that’s Samantha. I have the entire SATC series on DVD. I saw both movies in theaters (with my mom) and own deluxe versions of both as well as the trivia game. You cannot beat me when it comes to SATC knowledge and I can apply any scene to a real-life situation. Like Gilmore Girls or The Office.

But I heard good things about the book from Emily Levenson and I figured I’d give it a try. It was available at the library and as long as I didn’t go over the due date limit, the only investment I’d make is a few hours of my time.

Holy shit, guys. If you give yourself over to it, there is power in this theory. Grout references scientists who are working with this extra dimension. She gives examples of how this worked for people around her (and herself. I don’t care who you are, but if you don’t take a modicum of your own advice, you’re not credible.) She talks about the Field of Potentiality (FP) being a blanket for the Universe and how it basically has your back no matter what. Moving forward, I’ll call it the Universe since that’s how I grew up thinking about it.

Seeing is believing, though, and a few of her experiments hit home pretty hard. The first was to ask the FP for a gift as a sign that it’s there for you. I added a layer on top to know, deep down, that this was my sign when I received it. As I was wrapping up my “ask” from the Universe, my phone alerted me to an email I’ve been waiting on for three weeks.

Since that came in pretty easy, I moved on to the next experiment. For 24 hours, focus your attention on spotting cars in a certain color. Then move on to spotting butterflies. I found butterflies where I usually don’t (like on the screen behind me as my friend, Caitlin of Wellness by Walker, and I were having a chill afternoon on my porch this weekend.)

A sidebar again: Honestly, I’ve been reading a lot of mindset shift books. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll reference the genre and get so excited, I smoosh the genre name together and create a new word. Granted, it’s usually accidental. That said, if I ever write my own book, it’ll be called Mindshit: Let go of all the crap you’ve been holding in.

I’ve been holding on to my own sad beliefs for way too long. I’m tired of myself. I’m 99% sure I’ve even tired my friends from listening to my same old story and watching the same old dance. It isn’t until we’re so sick of being with ourselves that we look for a new way. At least, that’s how it works for me. It must be that way for some of you, too.

When do you know it’s time to tell yourself another story? When do you know you’re tired of your own bullshit?

(And I know, I’ve been “coming back” to the blogging world for years. I never really left, I just shifted how it looked. But I’m back for now. Hey, I’ve been doing this since 2009, a girl needs a break…)

*Link to E-Squared is an Amazon Affiliate Link. You pay nothing extra should you choose to purchase this book through my link. I get a few cents to add to my coffee/booze fund. Trust me, my writing is better when that fund is well-stocked. Thanks for supporting your friendly neighborhood author!

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Break the Imposter Chain

Does it ever feel like you’re afraid to make any noise out of fear someone will discover you and call you out for being a total and complete fraud? Like, imposter syndrome on steroids just jumps out and yells at you to go away? Not fun, especially when you know you’re good at what you do, you’re qualified to do what you do, you work hard to do what you do, and you just want to do what you do.

Yup. Been there. Still am there on occasion (sometimes Google Maps gets drunk and steers me there then leaves me for dead).

That’s when I like to refer to my list of magic spells (in Molly Mahar‘s words). It’s a road map you set up that says, “When I feel like this, I’ll do that instead.” It’s so handy to have this ahead of time so you can get yourself out of the woods faster and not rely on shitty cell reception and Google Maps to play nice again.

Here are a couple things you can add to your list of magic spells to get you on your way to feeling like a rockstar wonder woman again instead of wallowing around hoping Google Maps will re-route itself.

Focus on Something Further Away

Does anyone remember the movie “Dr. Dolittle” with Eddie Murphy? When I was a kid, my dad took me to see it and one of the scenes became a running joke for us. In it, Murphy is driving with a guinea pig, Rodney, who keeps saying “line” each time he sees a dashed line on the highway. It understandably is annoying, so Murphy yells at him to focus on something further away.

Whenever I get too caught up in the details of what’s going on and how I’ll be a complete business failure because I should be doing these big projects, but I’m not even keeping up with emails and group Pinterest boards, I know I need to focus on something further away.

Write down that big project, then break it down into smaller, more actionable steps. See, you’re focusing on something further away, but making a move to get it to happen. Then you can add deadlines and goal checkpoints. All because you focused on the abstract big picture further away.

Break the Pattern

Lots of times, you fall into a routine and conditioned thinking takes over. It could look something like:

  • Checks bank account
  • Sees a low number
  • Starts to freak out about financial security, paying bills, or the like
  • Falls down the well of thinking, “I’m always going to be struggling for money, who would pay me for what I do anyway, I really suck”
  • Doesn’t actually do any work for the rest of the day thanks to crushing doubt and fear that it will suck regardless

This could also look like checking an ex’s Facebook page and then thinking you’ll be alone forever, wanting to lose weight but constantly relying on takeout burgers and fries and then guilt tripping and comfort-eating an entire cake by yourself…anything where you just automatically fall into that behavior. That’s your If/Then, except in a bad way.

But when you notice the pattern ahead of time, you can identify and isolate the trigger. Then you can break it.

How do you break it? Physically get up and do something different. Paint your nails (you can’t properly enjoy a juicy burger with wet nails). Clean the bathroom. Organize your DVDs. Anything that occupies your mind for at least 15 minutes.

I learned this from Gretchen Rubin in Better Than Before. She says that any craving can be squashed if you distract yourself for 15 minutes. That’s it.

Similar to “focus on something further away,” when you notice you’re starting that one little dangerous thing, have a plan in place to break the pattern before it’s too late and you’re automatically in the bathtub drinking wine from the bottle. Forget what Fleetwood Mac says, we’re breaking the chain!

Go Outside

I know, it’s the dead of winter, but going outside if only for a minute is invigorating (albeit frost-bite inducing). A study by Stanford University found that walking has been proven to increase creativity by 60%. I don’t know about you, but I’m cool with being cold for a few minutes and be that much more confident and excited (and therefore focused and not thinking about the imposter feelings).

As Emily says on the Being Boss podcast, “Habits and routines allow you to do the work without thinking about the work.” So when you have a list of things to do, you focus on what you’re doing, not how you feel about what you’re doing. So get some fresh air and create a task list or work through a problem, then come back to your desk and do it instead of thinking about how you’d fail if you even tried.

How do you break yourself out of imposter thinking?

Imposter syndrome is the worst! Super smart ways to break the chain for yourself and "trick" yourself into getting your thinking and mental state back on track!

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Five things to be happy about

Many experts say that practicing gratitude is a sure-fire way to boost your happiness, highlight your abundance, and generally be a more positive person. When you’re a positive person, it’s easier to be happy. (And happy people don’t shoot their husbands.) It’s a circle, you see. Here are five things to be happy about — even if you aren’t particularly happy today.

Changing of the seasons

Even though I’m a hardXcore summer person and I’m not ready for fall (and subsequently winter), I love when the seasons change. It feels like a fresh start — and anything is possible. Clean slate, yo. It feels good.

Doing at least one thing a day that makes you feel good

Speaking of feeling good… call it self-care or a guilty pleasure, but doing something just because it makes you feel damn good is a great thing. Today, for me, that included cooking myself a good meal, cleaning the counters until they were shiny and not grimy anymore, and treating myself to a glass of wine at a cool bar while I write this. (Spoiler alert: I wrote and scheduled this baby ahead of time.)

Child-like obsession for anything

Anyone who knows me knows I am not a kid person. I am pretty much the un-kidliest person around. But damn if their happiness isn’t infectious. Now, I’m not saying be a creeper at a park or a daycare. But you can harness that happiness.

Have you ever seen Under the Tuscan Sun? Remember when Katherine is drunk and she says, “Never lose your childish enthusiasm”? Kids are all in for whatever occupies their mind at the moment. And they don’t let it go until they get it or figure it out.

Find something akin to that wonder in a child’s eyes, something that is endlessly fascinating to you. Even if it’s just a small tickle deep down. Hold on to that and keep coming back to it. It gets easier to find the more you do it. Learning and growing, or even just laughing, is a wonderful part of the human condition.

Target

Okay, this is kind of a fluffy, give-away point. But Target it the shit. I don’t think I’ve ever walked out of Target unhappy in my grumble-grumble years of going to Target. What is your Target? In other words, what is your “happy place”? That is my point here. Find your happy place and go there often. Be grateful for it.

The fact that you are reading this

You have your eyesight, an internet or cellular connection (and the ability to pay for said connection), and breath to breathe to make it all happen. Trust me, I’m not a “just be thankful you’re alive” kind of person. But I mean…it is something to be grateful for. You woke up today, hopefully in a bed. Or in someone you love’s bed. Or on their couch. Or anywhere that affords eyesight and an internet connection. And you have the ability to choose what you want to read/do/consume.

And really, if things were that bad, reading this post would be the least of your concerns. #perspective

What are you happy for today?

Freeing the funk

After writing about my epic Gilmore-Girl-style breakdown, I’ve been trying to pull myself out of another funk. I said in that post that I didn’t have any answers for you if you’re going through it as well, but guess what? I have answers. They may not be full answers, but at least they’re getting somewhere.

Here are two things that helped me.

Magic spells

The idea of magic spells comes from Molly Mahar. She has a section each year in her Holiday Council sheets that asks you to figure out magic spells for when something isn’t going right. This isn’t the first time I’m hearing this. Nicole Antoinette has mentioned in her podcasts that she wrote a “Care and Keeping of Nicole” guide as a way to help pull her out of a depression. You can also think about it like an IFTTT (If This Then That) recipe if you prefer a more digital example.

No matter how you look at it, it’s important to recognize where things go wrong before you get into a bad headspace because only you truly know what support you need. It seems like something you should just know, but when you get into that funk, sometimes we’re blind to what’s right in front of us. Having a guide, spell, or recipe to follow is a natural step when you just don’t know what to do: when I feel like Y, do Z. It’s written down. So do it. Because there’s nothing else to do. And you know it helps.

Strength in numbers

#squadgoals exists for a reason. Trust me, working from home can make it harder to pull yourself out of a funk because you can retreat so far inward and no one is really there to notice, so long as you’re maintaining day-to-day status. I have to send out a huge thank you to my gang for pulling me up.

If you can, find the ass-kicker, the practical one, the nurturer, the comic. All of these roles are so helpful when you need a mirror to reflect your good qualities and get you back on track. You may not have four people to surround you. Maybe these roles are filled by one person at different times. Or maybe you have an army of ass-kickers with their own unique flavor. Whatever works for you, just don’t retreat.

The biggest thing I can say is to try your very hardest to see when you’re spiraling down and catch yourself or, even more important, tell someone that it’s happening and let them help you.

What helps you recover when you’re feeling funky?

What if today, we were just grateful for everything_ - Charles Schulz

New Mantra: Be The Fluff

A few months ago, I had a quarter life crisis conversation. I was on the phone with my mom (yes, more stories about conversations with my mom. What can I say, she’s very wise) and I was whining about my job. I was all salty because I was going to be 26 and at the time, I worked at an entry level position.

It definitely wasn’t where I thought I’d be at 26.

So there I am, getting all frustrated and angry and I said to her, “What the hell have I been doing wrong for these past four years since I graduated?? I have two (very expensive) pieces of paper that are doing me absolutely no good! I’m basically in the same job I was in when I graduated, except now I have benefits. What happened to this alumni network that supposedly could get me into my dream position anywhere I wanted?”

Granted, I know it isn’t that easy, but I had had a bad day and I was feeling overworked and way undervalued. And like I should be a few levels up by that point.

“You haven’t learned to be the fluff,” she said to me. “Learn to be the fluff.”

Okay…. “The fluff. What’s the fluff?”

Here's your new mantra: Be the fluff! Love it! Great reminder to enjoy life, have fun, and relax a little.

You know that classic scene: three people are standing around watching the fourth person do all the hard work?

The “fluff” are the three people who stand around and smile and are talkative and chipper and happy because they aren’t the ones banging their heads against the wall trying to get everything done. They’re watching the other person run around and hold everything together.

Basically the fluff is the fun person to be around. It’s the foam in the latte.

Everyone likes the foam; that’s the best part of a latte, but everyone knows they aren’t drinking the latte for the foam, they’re really drinking the latte for the caffeine. That’s my problem. I’m the caffeine, not the foam.

Now, I’m not saying to chuck your work ethic out the door. I’m saying learn to be the fun part. Shake that chip off your shoulder. It probably wants to be with guacamole anyway (no offense).

In other words… Create space to let happiness and joy radiate from you. Marvel at the infinite possibilities of the universe. Never lose your childish sense of wonder. Other inspirational cliches here.

In other words: chill for a hot minute.

I know, I know. I can say this, but am I actually doing it? I’m not qualified to be a therapist and I’m sure as hell not a motivational speaker, but I am qualified to write words and string them into a fairly convincing sentence (that’s what one of the very expensive pieces of paper says anyway). And that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t do anything unless I actually live it.

Well, that was a few months ago and I still haven’t embraced the fluff persona. I’m still the caffeine, probably because I drink enough of it, my body is actually mostly coffee instead of water. But I’m trying.

I could sit at my computer and agonize over the clients I don’t have, the money I need, the work I should be completing. But that’s not doing any good. Instead, I’m trying to be the fluff. If I feel like going for a run at 3 in the afternoon just to get away from my desk, I do. Emails can wait. That post won’t get written any better if I force it out in a creative slump. As long as the work gets done, I’m choosing to do it the way I want to do it.

Maybe you don’t have that luxury. That’s okay. Just do something today that feels “fluffy” to you. What could that be?

  • Eating dinner in the living room in front of the TV instead of at the dining room table. Sometimes it feels good to do that, even though it isn’t the best practice for you.
  • Going for a walk at lunch instead of answering emails. Like I said, they can wait.
  • Having a latte instead of your normal house cup. Treat yo’self to some literal fluff.

Basically anything that feels like you’re giving yourself a little break.

When life gets you so stressed out t0 the point where your shoulders are up around your ears and you’re ready to snap, just remember your new mantra: be the fluff.

How are you going to be the fluff today?

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