Gardening in High Heels

cultivate a beautiful life

Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit?

Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit? And no, not asking for a friend. Asking for myself, straight up, no twist. I’ve given too much power to junk if you ask me. There are external and environmental and psychological factors that go into it. I mean, that’s just natural. But when I really think about it, I could have done something (even if it’s a small something, just something) to make a move. Instead, I chose to remain stuck by my own personal brand of bullshit. And I’m tired of sitting in my own crap, y’know what I’m saying?

In other words, I’m tired of getting in my own way.

If you feel it, too, this post is for you. (And all you *NSYNC fans.)

Sidebar: I legitimately had to Google and eventually look on iTunes to find the correct apostrophe placement for *NSYNC. And then learn that it’s an asterisk, not an apostrophe. When they were popular, I was unapologetically into country music to the detriment of many sleepover singalongs. I had to learn to love them later in life. Just to give you a frame of reference. In case you were wondering. I’m sure you were.

As I was saying…

Sometimes you just have to get tired enough of your own crap to decide it's time to make a change. When do you know it's time? Here are some tools that can help.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about mindset shifts. I even wrote a bit about it on my official website and business-y blog. The power you hold in your mind is incredible. You can will the Universe to do anything you want it to. I mean, I’m sure there are exceptions, but you can actually make things happen using the power of your mind. The most recent book I read to illustrate this is E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality by Pam Grout.

In this book, Grout outlines 9 experiments you can do that take about 48 hours each to complete in order to hone your energetic powers and align them with your desires and the world around you.

At first blush, this sounds too good to be true. As I was reading it, I was conjuring up the scene in Sex and the City where Charlotte takes Carrie to a seminar run by Dr. Cheryl Grayson whose belief in written affirmations were turning around Charlotte’s negative thoughts. A greeter asks the women if they’d like to take a written affirmation. They both oblige, but Charlotte is way more into it than Carrie. Carrie’s “affirmation” is, “I believe this is hooey.”

via GIPHY

Another sidebar: Yes, I know that’s Samantha. I have the entire SATC series on DVD. I saw both movies in theaters (with my mom) and own deluxe versions of both as well as the trivia game. You cannot beat me when it comes to SATC knowledge and I can apply any scene to a real-life situation. Like Gilmore Girls or The Office.

But I heard good things about the book from Emily Levenson and I figured I’d give it a try. It was available at the library and as long as I didn’t go over the due date limit, the only investment I’d make is a few hours of my time.

Holy shit, guys. If you give yourself over to it, there is power in this theory. Grout references scientists who are working with this extra dimension. She gives examples of how this worked for people around her (and herself. I don’t care who you are, but if you don’t take a modicum of your own advice, you’re not credible.) She talks about the Field of Potentiality (FP) being a blanket for the Universe and how it basically has your back no matter what. Moving forward, I’ll call it the Universe since that’s how I grew up thinking about it.

Seeing is believing, though, and a few of her experiments hit home pretty hard. The first was to ask the FP for a gift as a sign that it’s there for you. I added a layer on top to know, deep down, that this was my sign when I received it. As I was wrapping up my “ask” from the Universe, my phone alerted me to an email I’ve been waiting on for three weeks.

Since that came in pretty easy, I moved on to the next experiment. For 24 hours, focus your attention on spotting cars in a certain color. Then move on to spotting butterflies. I found butterflies where I usually don’t (like on the screen behind me as my friend, Caitlin of Wellness by Walker, and I were having a chill afternoon on my porch this weekend.)

A sidebar again: Honestly, I’ve been reading a lot of mindset shift books. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll reference the genre and get so excited, I smoosh the genre name together and create a new word. Granted, it’s usually accidental. That said, if I ever write my own book, it’ll be called Mindshit: Let go of all the crap you’ve been holding in.

I’ve been holding on to my own sad beliefs for way too long. I’m tired of myself. I’m 99% sure I’ve even tired my friends from listening to my same old story and watching the same old dance. It isn’t until we’re so sick of being with ourselves that we look for a new way. At least, that’s how it works for me. It must be that way for some of you, too.

When do you know it’s time to tell yourself another story? When do you know you’re tired of your own bullshit?

(And I know, I’ve been “coming back” to the blogging world for years. I never really left, I just shifted how it looked. But I’m back for now. Hey, I’ve been doing this since 2009, a girl needs a break…)

*Link to E-Squared is an Amazon Affiliate Link. You pay nothing extra should you choose to purchase this book through my link. I get a few cents to add to my coffee/booze fund. Trust me, my writing is better when that fund is well-stocked. Thanks for supporting your friendly neighborhood author!

Save

Save

Save

Break the Imposter Chain

Does it ever feel like you’re afraid to make any noise out of fear someone will discover you and call you out for being a total and complete fraud? Like, imposter syndrome on steroids just jumps out and yells at you to go away? Not fun, especially when you know you’re good at what you do, you’re qualified to do what you do, you work hard to do what you do, and you just want to do what you do.

Yup. Been there. Still am there on occasion (sometimes Google Maps gets drunk and steers me there then leaves me for dead).

That’s when I like to refer to my list of magic spells (in Molly Mahar‘s words). It’s a road map you set up that says, “When I feel like this, I’ll do that instead.” It’s so handy to have this ahead of time so you can get yourself out of the woods faster and not rely on shitty cell reception and Google Maps to play nice again.

Here are a couple things you can add to your list of magic spells to get you on your way to feeling like a rockstar wonder woman again instead of wallowing around hoping Google Maps will re-route itself.

Focus on Something Further Away

Does anyone remember the movie “Dr. Dolittle” with Eddie Murphy? When I was a kid, my dad took me to see it and one of the scenes became a running joke for us. In it, Murphy is driving with a guinea pig, Rodney, who keeps saying “line” each time he sees a dashed line on the highway. It understandably is annoying, so Murphy yells at him to focus on something further away.

Whenever I get too caught up in the details of what’s going on and how I’ll be a complete business failure because I should be doing these big projects, but I’m not even keeping up with emails and group Pinterest boards, I know I need to focus on something further away.

Write down that big project, then break it down into smaller, more actionable steps. See, you’re focusing on something further away, but making a move to get it to happen. Then you can add deadlines and goal checkpoints. All because you focused on the abstract big picture further away.

Break the Pattern

Lots of times, you fall into a routine and conditioned thinking takes over. It could look something like:

  • Checks bank account
  • Sees a low number
  • Starts to freak out about financial security, paying bills, or the like
  • Falls down the well of thinking, “I’m always going to be struggling for money, who would pay me for what I do anyway, I really suck”
  • Doesn’t actually do any work for the rest of the day thanks to crushing doubt and fear that it will suck regardless

This could also look like checking an ex’s Facebook page and then thinking you’ll be alone forever, wanting to lose weight but constantly relying on takeout burgers and fries and then guilt tripping and comfort-eating an entire cake by yourself…anything where you just automatically fall into that behavior. That’s your If/Then, except in a bad way.

But when you notice the pattern ahead of time, you can identify and isolate the trigger. Then you can break it.

How do you break it? Physically get up and do something different. Paint your nails (you can’t properly enjoy a juicy burger with wet nails). Clean the bathroom. Organize your DVDs. Anything that occupies your mind for at least 15 minutes.

I learned this from Gretchen Rubin in Better Than Before. She says that any craving can be squashed if you distract yourself for 15 minutes. That’s it.

Similar to “focus on something further away,” when you notice you’re starting that one little dangerous thing, have a plan in place to break the pattern before it’s too late and you’re automatically in the bathtub drinking wine from the bottle. Forget what Fleetwood Mac says, we’re breaking the chain!

Go Outside

I know, it’s the dead of winter, but going outside if only for a minute is invigorating (albeit frost-bite inducing). A study by Stanford University found that walking has been proven to increase creativity by 60%. I don’t know about you, but I’m cool with being cold for a few minutes and be that much more confident and excited (and therefore focused and not thinking about the imposter feelings).

As Emily says on the Being Boss podcast, “Habits and routines allow you to do the work without thinking about the work.” So when you have a list of things to do, you focus on what you’re doing, not how you feel about what you’re doing. So get some fresh air and create a task list or work through a problem, then come back to your desk and do it instead of thinking about how you’d fail if you even tried.

How do you break yourself out of imposter thinking?

Imposter syndrome is the worst! Super smart ways to break the chain for yourself and "trick" yourself into getting your thinking and mental state back on track!

Save

Save

New Mantra: Be The Fluff

A few months ago, I had a quarter life crisis conversation. I was on the phone with my mom (yes, more stories about conversations with my mom. What can I say, she’s very wise) and I was whining about my job. I was all salty because I was going to be 26 and at the time, I worked at an entry level position.

It definitely wasn’t where I thought I’d be at 26.

So there I am, getting all frustrated and angry and I said to her, “What the hell have I been doing wrong for these past four years since I graduated?? I have two (very expensive) pieces of paper that are doing me absolutely no good! I’m basically in the same job I was in when I graduated, except now I have benefits. What happened to this alumni network that supposedly could get me into my dream position anywhere I wanted?”

Granted, I know it isn’t that easy, but I had had a bad day and I was feeling overworked and way undervalued. And like I should be a few levels up by that point.

“You haven’t learned to be the fluff,” she said to me. “Learn to be the fluff.”

Okay…. “The fluff. What’s the fluff?”

Here's your new mantra: Be the fluff! Love it! Great reminder to enjoy life, have fun, and relax a little.

You know that classic scene: three people are standing around watching the fourth person do all the hard work?

The “fluff” are the three people who stand around and smile and are talkative and chipper and happy because they aren’t the ones banging their heads against the wall trying to get everything done. They’re watching the other person run around and hold everything together.

Basically the fluff is the fun person to be around. It’s the foam in the latte.

Everyone likes the foam; that’s the best part of a latte, but everyone knows they aren’t drinking the latte for the foam, they’re really drinking the latte for the caffeine. That’s my problem. I’m the caffeine, not the foam.

Now, I’m not saying to chuck your work ethic out the door. I’m saying learn to be the fun part. Shake that chip off your shoulder. It probably wants to be with guacamole anyway (no offense).

In other words… Create space to let happiness and joy radiate from you. Marvel at the infinite possibilities of the universe. Never lose your childish sense of wonder. Other inspirational cliches here.

In other words: chill for a hot minute.

I know, I know. I can say this, but am I actually doing it? I’m not qualified to be a therapist and I’m sure as hell not a motivational speaker, but I am qualified to write words and string them into a fairly convincing sentence (that’s what one of the very expensive pieces of paper says anyway). And that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t do anything unless I actually live it.

Well, that was a few months ago and I still haven’t embraced the fluff persona. I’m still the caffeine, probably because I drink enough of it, my body is actually mostly coffee instead of water. But I’m trying.

I could sit at my computer and agonize over the clients I don’t have, the money I need, the work I should be completing. But that’s not doing any good. Instead, I’m trying to be the fluff. If I feel like going for a run at 3 in the afternoon just to get away from my desk, I do. Emails can wait. That post won’t get written any better if I force it out in a creative slump. As long as the work gets done, I’m choosing to do it the way I want to do it.

Maybe you don’t have that luxury. That’s okay. Just do something today that feels “fluffy” to you. What could that be?

  • Eating dinner in the living room in front of the TV instead of at the dining room table. Sometimes it feels good to do that, even though it isn’t the best practice for you.
  • Going for a walk at lunch instead of answering emails. Like I said, they can wait.
  • Having a latte instead of your normal house cup. Treat yo’self to some literal fluff.

Basically anything that feels like you’re giving yourself a little break.

When life gets you so stressed out t0 the point where your shoulders are up around your ears and you’re ready to snap, just remember your new mantra: be the fluff.

How are you going to be the fluff today?

Need Boundaries? Ask Yourself This.

This week on Sunday Lately, I wrote a bit about boundaries and how they felt limiting. I’ve always thought that having boundaries meant you said no a lot. And in a sense, that’s true, but so much more goes into it than just saying No.

Oooh, I can hear you now… “Angelica, how much more?” I’m glad you asked! Why? Because I have struggled with setting boundaries (I have an aversion to the word no) and just a little mindset shift has been helpful for me so maybe it’ll be helpful for you, too.

Setting boundaries doesn't have to be a hard and fast yes or no. It's all about honoring your intentions and asking yourself one simple question. So helpful to look at it this way!

First, a little backstory.

I used to think that boundaries were constricting and that it meant choosing myself over everyone else in a greedy way. When presented with the option, I always picked everyone else over myself. It’s just how I am. I’m a people-pleaser. And it got to the point of resentment. I’d feel resentful for doing things for others. That’s not cool, man. I wanted to help.

It goes hand in hand with not asking for help. I see asking for help as a sign of personal weakness, that I’m admitting defeat and saying that I can’t handle it, which is another conversation straight from Daring Greatly by Brene Brown for another day.

What were we talking about? Right, boundaries. I’ve noticed that I’m most resistant to things that I know will take a lot of work but will also help me the most.

Setting boundaries in and of itself felt constricting, like I always had to say When presented with Situation Y, I must always answer with Z. And I didn’t like that. As much as I like plans and order, I want to have the ability to change my answer. But you can’t do that when you think boundaries mean always answering the same way (no) to certain requests.

See my conundrum now?

My question up until recently was: how do you hold yourself to (seemingly inflexible) boundaries while wanting to be able to change your mind?

It isn’t about asking What would make me happy? which, I mean, is a valid question, but that’s so vague and takes a lot more work to get to the heart of why you’re saying yes or no.

Instead, ask yourself: what will make me feel comfortable saying yes to this request? Repeat that with me, chickadess. What will make me feel comfortable saying yes to this request?

Kinda like saying yes to the dress. But not. Because this isn’t a dress. Anyway.

Re-framing how you look at boundaries as This is how I want people to treat me feels better. It’s not no, it’s I’d appreciate your understanding that I cannot do that right now, but I can help you this way. You’re still saying no to the request (really, still saying yes) but doing so in a way that feels more comfortable.

And of course, that also means that you get to say yes to other things, too. Like projects you want to do or collaborations that really excite you.

It’s all about honoring your intentions and your values. What do you prioritize? What will make you feel in control? What will make you feel like yourself?

As a recovering people-pleaser, I’m always trying to figure out how to value others’ requests while still making myself feel free and giving of help.

To get a little woo-woo here, setting boundaries teaches the Universe what you truly prioritize, too, and lets it know what opportunities to send your way way. For example: if the Universe knows I’ll say yes to anything, it’ll throw anything my way. If it knows I only want to be open to work on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings, it’ll send quality opportunities to me on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. Cool, right?

To recap: life with boundaries looks like more intention, more flow, more flexibility. Life without boundaries looks like resentment, restriction (ironically) and constriction. Oh, and constantly feeling like you need to please everyone before you can start on yourself. Life without boundaries seems kinda like the loser here, no?

Where do you feel like you need to have a few more boundaries but are stuck putting them in place? Let me know if this trick worked for you!

You are strong

I’m not one for body love. My body just kind of…is what it is. Growing up, my mom was always focused on trying to keep pounds off, not embracing what she has, so it’s been programmed into me that “This is what I have, make it something it’s not,” instead of, “This is what I have, be proud of it.”

I will always have baby fat that I can’t get rid of. And I know I look better in person than in pictures. And I have dark circles and crooked teeth and my calves are huge.

But I was looking at a picture from the Pittsburgh Marathon yesterday and I have to say… I am insanely proud of what my little 5-foot-massive-calf-muscle body can accomplish. I ran 5k on Saturday and then 13.1 miles on Sunday (and not for the first time. This was my 5th Pittsburgh half and 6th half marathon overall). This is what that looks like…

Angelica Half Marathon

I don’t give enough credit to this body that carried me over the finish line in about 2 hours and 25 minutes. Sure, I’ve run faster and my body is kinda like, “WTF mate??” right now, but damn, I want to savor this accomplishment. And not brush off the fact that THIS IS F’ING INCREDIBLE.

I am proud of what I can accomplish. And I want you to be proud of what you can accomplish, too. It doesn’t matter if you run, lift, or just make a choice to eat an apple instead of Oreos (because really when faced with that choice, I will always pick Oreos.)

And it isn’t just fitness. You’re mentally strong. You go on day after day, trying to make each one better than the last. Probably with little praise, help, or time spent celebrating your wins.

I mean, I can’t be the only one who doesn’t savor the moment..

So this one’s for those who need to take the time to stop and think about what you can do. What your body, mind, and soul can do. We are fucking awesome. And we all deserve to sit back and say, “Hell yeah, I rock.”

You are strong, damnit. Don't forget that.

What have you done this past week that proves you’re strong?

Let’s Play

           

People Really Dug These

We Belong in the Garden Together