Gardening in High Heels

cultivate a beautiful life

Good for her, not for me.

How many times do we need to hear that no one else has it figured out either? If you’re like me, about as many times as you need to hear, “No, nachos aren’t an acceptable dinner.” That kind of negativity is just not welcome here right now.

We know that’s true — and we also can’t stop / won’t stop eating the nachos.

I need to remind myself almost daily that no one has it figured out. This quarantine / virus / fearful time is rich with comparison traps and the constant messages we’re getting pull us into that kind of thinking. We see something and, whether we want it or not, decide we aren’t worthy to have it.

“I’ll never sing like her. I should give up.”
“My Instagram feed looks like junk. I don’t want to do the all-white all-the-time aesthetic. I don’t fit in. I should give up.”
“I’ll never be at that level of business. I should give up.”
“I like to drink wine more than I want to look like that person. And how do they still have abs right now? I’m growing and getting squishy. I should give up.”

And that’s just like… 30 seconds of comparison thoughts.

We do it all the time. We always see what others have (a perfect Cali beach house, abs AND nachos, insane sales) and decide we can never possibly do that, too. So, we assume it can happen for other people, but not for us. Never for us. Let’s just give up.

I read in Amy Poehler’s book that she’s adopted this phrase: Good for her, not for me.

It’s so useful when I start comparing. I ask myself if I even want what she’s having. Then, if no, I can say, “Good for her, not for me.”

Because, really, we’re able to convince ourselves that we want to be song-bird billionaires who can live off of wine and chocolate and still perform well, EVEN IF we don’t want that after all.

While we see “the things,” and think we want them, what we really want are the emotions those “things” evoke: success, joy, peace, nachos. (Yes, nachos is an emotion. I will stand by that proudly when questioned.)

So, how do we go from convincing ourselves we really do need the perfect Instagram feed to accepting that what we want is the image it conveys about the kind of person we are?

I don’t know. I think, and now I’m not sure because no one has talked about this much, the answer is to work on our mindset.

Taking a moment to realize that no one has it figured out and is doing life perfectly. And to decide that we are going to do what’s best for ourselves right now in this moment we are inhabiting. To not compare, to ask if we really want that or it’s activating us in some way, and to discover how we’re being activated.

To keep peeling the banana to see what that’s telling us about ourselves. Why do we assume we can never have it? What’s stopping us from getting it?

So many questions open up when you think a little bit deeper.

What say you? Are you willing to examine why you believe you can’t do that, too, or do you want to assume you’ll never have it so why even bother?

Progress

Progress looks like different things to different people.

Yup, no shit. Here’s a long-winded story to show that.

The other day, I was walking my dog, Jingle, in my neighborhood. He has this very charming way of constantly whining for our entire walk.

So very charming, indeed.

Every day, we go for a walk down the same streets at the same pace. Sometimes, it’s raining or snowing or sunny. Sometimes, I’m talking on the phone. Sometimes, I’m distracted by my thoughts or a pretty house that I wish was mine. Either way, we do this every.single.day. Almost without exception.

And every day, he protests (maybe he’s just so excited, but really, I think he’s protesting). It gets louder when he sees a person, dog, or squirrel he wants to befriend or behead. And he whines as if to say, “Maaa, hurry up! That fuzzy thing needs to pet me, can’t you tell!”

Sometimes, I get lucky and he’s quiet for a stretch. But without exception, he will whine when he sees a person.

Well, one day I had just stepped from my porch and Jingle spotted a neighbor who clearly needed to give Jingle attention (unbeknownst to said neighbor).

Groaning to myself, I sheepishly waved, said hello, and apologized for the ruckus.

I can always tell what kind of walk it’ll be depending upon how early, often, and loudly Jingle’s protestations commence.

And you know what the neighbor said to me?

“Oh wow, he’s getting better!”

I was STUNNED.

I walk Jingle every day. From where I was standing, it didn’t seem like he was any different that day than he was the day before and the one before that.

(I used to grade his walks, but he started failing the class and my child will not be an F student, so I stopped that practice quickly! But even without tracking his progress, I did NOT get the sense that he was improving.)

But that’s the thing about progress. It looks like different things to different people.

My neighbor, who hasn’t walked 10,000 steps with Jingle has a unique perspective. And in that same vein, I have a unique perspective, too. I am right there, literally every step of the way.

The other thing about progress? You take little steps each day and complete the very next thing before you move on. And you don’t notice those little steps adding up to a marathon.

See, when you’re so close to the progress, it can feel like you’re standing still, or worse, moving backward. And when you pause to assess where you’ve been and where you’re currently standing, you notice you’ve come a long way, baby.

You’re probably a lot further ahead than you realize.

Follow the fun.

Follow the fun. It’s a phrase my business coach says often. And not in a way like @mybizcoachsays, not a sarcastic / “Ugh, of course that would happen” kind of way.

No, she says it in a truly guiding capacity.

Follow the fun.

Here’s the thing… Blogging started to suck with the rise of Pinterest. For folks who liked to write just to write (ahem, hello, it me) the “need” to have a perfect on-brand post and picture and experience and email opt-in and lead magnet and.. You get the idea. Blogging was no longer “publish words in a format that allows other to connect with you.” Blogging was a machine. Still is.

But what about those people who like to write, but didn’t necessarily love the other stuff? I tried to love the other stuff. In fact, I got quite good at it. But eventually, it wasn’t fun anymore. It was something I had to do because I liked the writing and connecting part.

There was such a big part of me that missed blogging to write and connect, though, and I decided to use my theme this year (“LIGHT” if you’re wondering) and the guiding principles of spreading light, being light from within, and replenishing light, and the idea of following the fun, to dust off blogging for blogging sake.

Make it fun again. Write what feels good in my heart to write. I know the “riches are in the niches” and for that, I have my business blog. This, on the other hand, can be for fun.

So here we are. The beginning of 2020. The first post in literally years that I wrote because I wanted to. The first post that wasn’t planned, doesn’t have a CTA, that’s devoid of a branded Pinterest-style image.

Just real stories, real thoughts, real observations, real pondering.

Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit?

Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit? And no, not asking for a friend. Asking for myself, straight up, no twist. I’ve given too much power to junk if you ask me. There are external and environmental and psychological factors that go into it. I mean, that’s just natural. But when I really think about it, I could have done something (even if it’s a small something, just something) to make a move. Instead, I chose to remain stuck by my own personal brand of bullshit. And I’m tired of sitting in my own crap, y’know what I’m saying?

In other words, I’m tired of getting in my own way.

If you feel it, too, this post is for you. (And all you *NSYNC fans.)

Sidebar: I legitimately had to Google and eventually look on iTunes to find the correct apostrophe placement for *NSYNC. And then learn that it’s an asterisk, not an apostrophe. When they were popular, I was unapologetically into country music to the detriment of many sleepover singalongs. I had to learn to love them later in life. Just to give you a frame of reference. In case you were wondering. I’m sure you were.

As I was saying…

Sometimes you just have to get tired enough of your own crap to decide it's time to make a change. When do you know it's time? Here are some tools that can help.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about mindset shifts. I even wrote a bit about it on my official website and business-y blog. The power you hold in your mind is incredible. You can will the Universe to do anything you want it to. I mean, I’m sure there are exceptions, but you can actually make things happen using the power of your mind. The most recent book I read to illustrate this is E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality by Pam Grout.

In this book, Grout outlines 9 experiments you can do that take about 48 hours each to complete in order to hone your energetic powers and align them with your desires and the world around you.

At first blush, this sounds too good to be true. As I was reading it, I was conjuring up the scene in Sex and the City where Charlotte takes Carrie to a seminar run by Dr. Cheryl Grayson whose belief in written affirmations were turning around Charlotte’s negative thoughts. A greeter asks the women if they’d like to take a written affirmation. They both oblige, but Charlotte is way more into it than Carrie. Carrie’s “affirmation” is, “I believe this is hooey.”

via GIPHY

Another sidebar: Yes, I know that’s Samantha. I have the entire SATC series on DVD. I saw both movies in theaters (with my mom) and own deluxe versions of both as well as the trivia game. You cannot beat me when it comes to SATC knowledge and I can apply any scene to a real-life situation. Like Gilmore Girls or The Office.

But I heard good things about the book from Emily Levenson and I figured I’d give it a try. It was available at the library and as long as I didn’t go over the due date limit, the only investment I’d make is a few hours of my time.

Holy shit, guys. If you give yourself over to it, there is power in this theory. Grout references scientists who are working with this extra dimension. She gives examples of how this worked for people around her (and herself. I don’t care who you are, but if you don’t take a modicum of your own advice, you’re not credible.) She talks about the Field of Potentiality (FP) being a blanket for the Universe and how it basically has your back no matter what. Moving forward, I’ll call it the Universe since that’s how I grew up thinking about it.

Seeing is believing, though, and a few of her experiments hit home pretty hard. The first was to ask the FP for a gift as a sign that it’s there for you. I added a layer on top to know, deep down, that this was my sign when I received it. As I was wrapping up my “ask” from the Universe, my phone alerted me to an email I’ve been waiting on for three weeks.

Since that came in pretty easy, I moved on to the next experiment. For 24 hours, focus your attention on spotting cars in a certain color. Then move on to spotting butterflies. I found butterflies where I usually don’t (like on the screen behind me as my friend, Caitlin of Wellness by Walker, and I were having a chill afternoon on my porch this weekend.)

A sidebar again: Honestly, I’ve been reading a lot of mindset shift books. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll reference the genre and get so excited, I smoosh the genre name together and create a new word. Granted, it’s usually accidental. That said, if I ever write my own book, it’ll be called Mindshit: Let go of all the crap you’ve been holding in.

I’ve been holding on to my own sad beliefs for way too long. I’m tired of myself. I’m 99% sure I’ve even tired my friends from listening to my same old story and watching the same old dance. It isn’t until we’re so sick of being with ourselves that we look for a new way. At least, that’s how it works for me. It must be that way for some of you, too.

When do you know it’s time to tell yourself another story? When do you know you’re tired of your own bullshit?

(And I know, I’ve been “coming back” to the blogging world for years. I never really left, I just shifted how it looked. But I’m back for now. Hey, I’ve been doing this since 2009, a girl needs a break…)

*Link to E-Squared is an Amazon Affiliate Link. You pay nothing extra should you choose to purchase this book through my link. I get a few cents to add to my coffee/booze fund. Trust me, my writing is better when that fund is well-stocked. Thanks for supporting your friendly neighborhood author!

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Sunday Lately, 112

Sunday Lately is a weekly link up brought to you by the Blogger Tribe. Link up and see what's been happening lately!

Sunday Lately is a weekly linkup hosted by the Blogger Tribe, which is fearlessly led by Katy (Wild and Wanderful) and myself. We e-hangout every Sunday, sharing a small glimpse into the past week of life in our own worlds. We’d love if you could join us!

This week’s themes: Enjoying, Hoping, Forgiving, Delving, Relying.

Uh oh. I spot an error. This year’s Sunday Lately was supposed to have 5 different prompts each week. I spot a repeat. Can you…?

Enjoying

I’ve been re-reading You Are a Badass and The Devil Wears Prada and thoroughly enjoying both.

Hoping

I’m hoping that this week is good and productive. Set the intention and it shall be!

Forgiving

It’s a silly lesson, but I’ve been forgiving myself for small things. Showing myself the grace that I show others when I make a mistake has been hard – I’m the worst critic of myself – but it’s necessary. The words that you repeat to yourself are the words that become your reality. Be nice, no exceptions.

Delving

I’ve been delving into baking with booze. The other day, I made a raspberry wine buttercream frosting and it was almost as good as it sounds. Needs a little tweaking, but it isn’t bad.

Relying

Mantras are a new thing for me, but I’m using them and relying on them to help rut-bust me right now. I guess you could say I’m delving into that, too.

What have you been up to lately?

 


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