I’m not an expert about love and relationships, but I’ve crashed and burned enough to know what works for me. And what I know is that love means you want to be with someone more than you need to be with them.
Does that make sense?
Jonathan and I were talking about this the other day and I don’t think I explained it properly to him (sorry, dear). So I thought I’d elaborate.
Yes, I would be absolutely devastated and fall into a pile of mush if something happened to us. It would take a long time to get back up and go on with my life, but eventually it would have to happen.
I know this because I’ve been there before. The reason why I was there before is because I wanted to be in a relationship more than I wanted to be with the person. I needed to have that comfort of knowing I was in a pair because I wasn’t okay with being just me.
And then (obviously) that ended and I was alone again. And it was like, who am I? What do I do with myself? What do I like doing with my free time? I don’t know how to be just me.
I know, it’s scary to just sit in a room alone with your thoughts, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
So it took a while, but I learned how to be alone and I kind of liked it. Then I started to go on dates because I wanted to date, not because I had to find my next relationship fix.
Guess what? I learned what I liked and didn’t like and was okay passing on someone who didn’t fully work for me because I wasn’t focused on “must be a pair” anymore. I could focus on, “Does this person complement me?”
In my relationship now, I want to be with him more than I need to have someone there with me all the time. I found someone who complemented me for me.
Want and need are two totally different verbs. Want is a choice. It’s something that you decide to do/have/be. I choose to be with this person. Need is more situational. I need water to live.
You don’t need a relationship to live. That isn’t one of Maslow’s Basic Needs. It’s actually more towards the middle of the pyramid. Call me cold, but it’s true. If I didn’t have Jonathan, I would be upset but I would live. Physiologically, I could survive.
But I want to be with him more than I need to be with him. And that’s how I know it’s love.
What does love mean to you?